I was born under the Right Angle Cross of Consciousness 3 (the quarter of Duality). In plain English, my life has always been heavily influenced by experiencing and understanding all sorts of relationships. Even my career as an online visibility strategist has been around building relationships with people; that’s what marketing primarily is.
But it has been most acute in the matters of love and relationships with men in my life. My first deep infatuation was with a character from the movie “The Three Musketeers”, d’Artagnan, who in the Soviet version of the movie was very adventurous, sassy, and hot. With piercing eyes, he was unwaveringly cocky, with a good sense of humor and infectious laughter. Plus he sang. (Oh yeah, I was born in the USSR!)
It may have been cute for others to watch a three-year-old girl so in love, and planning her trip to Paris to marry him (since his beloved Constance was dead and he seemed available); but what they failed to see was that it was the beginning of a lifetime that is very specifically fuelled…
I was designed to love and to be loved - so that I can unleash my creativity and my talents.
There is always irony in how we are designed. Nothing is simple. Nothing is given. It is a difficult quest, and we are here to complete it if there is even a chance of a true happy ending.
In my design, love is what gives me core stability, what drives me through continents and time, what gives me the desire and hope to push through when life feels crushingly overwhelming.
I am incredibly blessed with it. I knew I would meet “my other half” early on; I was in my teens when I casually and regularly spoke about marrying a foreigner and a music producer. I then often unintentionally made all the efforts required on my behalf to flow with the river of life, crossed many lands and seas, and it brought me exactly where he was, made me visible to him, available for recognition.
I myself did not even realize at the time the impact he would have on my life, not just as a husband of 19 years, but as a mentor, a teacher, someone who was a catalyst for my intense growth.
When I returned to Estonia, where I grew up before my emigration, I was an entirely different person; my worldview, my passion for understanding human nature (and deciphering the mess that relationships with other humans are), my looks, even my name, were completely different from it was before my emigration.
By that time I had been in a relationship with a man I fully considered my other half. The beauty of it was a deep sense of belonging, devotion, loyalty, and sharing an incredibly compatible core passions.
Food, travel (often to discover an incredible meal somewhere), motorbiking (which allowed us to visit those obscure little villages that offered such incredible culinary delights), music (Les was one of - if not the top - music producers in Ireland and an incredibly influential music educator and mentor).
Were the day-to-day relationships a fairy tale little girls dream of? Of course not. That would be a fairy tale.
Humans are complicated; they are competitive, they have opinions, and they bring trauma to every relationship. So of course there was the complexity of real life, and so there were struggles of real life too, financially included.
After the 2010 music industry collapse in Ireland (as part of the overall economic crash of those times), things turned pretty grim for Les, and our circumstances forced me into a position of breadwinner for the family. The house we bought was in a negative mortgage, and we spent any extra money on traveling and making memories, so there were no savings and a pretty large debt, too.
He tried his best; he really did, but it was tricky, and things just did not recover. And then he was diagnosed with сancer in 2017, a story I talk about in my books and beyond, a story of how that crisis kick-started my online business and opened the door to much more than just earnings in my own development and growth.
Miraculously, he was not ready to leave me then, and he shocked his doctors by getting through the harshest chemos and then recovering and needing no medical maintenance.
By mid 2018 we started planning to leave Ireland, and by 2020 we were able to - again miraculously - be released from our mortgage debt and move to Estonia, in the middle of the world pandemic, to fully enjoy our independence and happy life in the center of Tallinn - one of the cutest, fairy-tale cities on Earth. My hometown.
By 2023, my business was going strong; I had pivoted into Marketing by Human Design, honoring my passion for an esoteric approach to understanding human nature and how we connect.
But the start of that year also marked the end of our soul contract. The сancer came back -this time attacking his brain and nervous system. I knew the door was closing.
He passed away on St. Patrick’s Day in my arms. I am so grateful to have witnessed his ascend. It was indeed beautiful. And I knew he needed me to be there, holding his hand (we always held hands), to help him make that transition, to encourage him that it was ok.
Here is what that marriage taught me. I know how to love, and how to be a partner, a team. I know what being truly devoted to each other feels like - the frequency of it. I know what a quality relationship is.
And I know that I am a rare, high-caliber woman who deserves nothing less than a high-caliber man, who will rise up in his masculinity and provide the magic so I can be his rock.
But there is one thing you need to remember about me - I am a Splenic Projector, 1/3. Splenic Projectors are amplifiers; we move extremely fast compared to others. We are a few steps ahead at all times. It is part of the design that we have a powerful intuitive awareness. We scan everything in our surroundings- people, places- at all times. We can sometimes finish a sentence that has not yet started forming as a thought. (We interrupt. All the time, and it is not just ADHD.)
Add a 1/3 - someone “bumping” into life so that they can fully experience, probe, understand.
In relationships, it sometimes means rushing. I was married three times to date. My first was a Reflector, so he simply reflected my pace. The other two were Splenic Projectors.
So with that context, and keeping in mind that love is what unlocks my talents and creativity, you should not be surprised that I met my third husband just 11 months after Les passed away. Splenic Projectors move FAST.
Don’t read into it as an act of desperation, escaping pain (although, as the 3rd line, it is also a part of the storyline, of course). I was truly smitten and in love. And he was available. That does not mean single. This means fully available with everything he had. His core.
If you are a Projector, or you've ever dated a Projector, their energetic availability is a very big deal. A special experience. Perhaps too much for some, as we have this incredibly penetrating aura.
But if you are open to this light, it is the most magical experience of complete presence, deep acceptance, and vulnerability.
When a Projector opens up fully and lets you in (if you are correct), it is pretty spectacular. Intoxicating sometimes.
The mechanics are simple here. A Projector’s existensial questions is “who is the other?” The connection to the other is what their energy is designed for.
A Generator will love with all their heart, but that love will primarily be for themselves to feel satisfied with. Manifestor’s aura is too dense, you can only take their word for it - you may not fully feel it. Reflector will simply reflect what you are putting out.
But a Projector’s aura (and love) is FULLY focused on their partner. It is not mental or emotional, even. It is just the frequency that is deeply focused and penetrating the aura of the other.
Sometimes, for some people, it can feel hard to sustain. That is why a somewhat sober approach is required.
My third marriage lasted only 20 months. It was an incredible lesson in how deeply passionate and open two Splenic Projectors can be, but it also tested the ability to hold that heaviness that comes with so much focus.
There were also many factors that we both ignored from the start, being consumed by this intoxicating Projector recognition of each other’s potential.
We were of different caliber, backgrounds, and values, and when that happens, it is crucial to acknowledge it from the start. Naivity can backfire (as it often does). But I loved the potential of the man he tried to be for me, and he loved the potential of spending the rest of his life with a woman like me, who would care for him, comfort him, and heal his wounds.
I will not make excuses. I was blinded by so much love, adoration, and passion that I thought will not happen again after my huge loss. And it was beautiful at the start, too.
But what I know now is that the start is the most important time to hold back your “horses.” In fact, Les and I did not have that mutual passion; he had to pursue me and win me over, as he had been my teacher, and it took me a little while to get over the fact that he could be more.
Still, he was a force. I had no chance but to surrender; it shows me now that a slower start works slightly better for me.
Don’t get me wrong, he told me he wanted to marry me on our first “proper” date. He was a Splenic Projector, too, after all.
In my third marriage, I proposed after just 10 days. Now that was silly of me. A Projector, I should wait for the invitation. But a simple joke about an Irish proposal tradition got me fired. It was February, a leap year, and there is an old Irish tradition that a woman can propose on the 29th of February. So I thought about it for a couple of days, but the 29th came, and I did it.
Two years later, I was divorced, living alone, mentally exhausted; the stress of the relationships had taken a huge toll on my well-being, my hormones were going nuts, I felt like I aged decades overnight, and for the first time in my life I started feeling depressed.
And that was when I finally started processing my loss and grief accumulated since 2023. I had to fall apart fully, and then put myself back together again.
The straw that helped me trust I would overcome this happened to be the Gene Keys Golden Path retreat (that I signed up for many months previously). Talking about divine timing!
And that is where - right in my Purpose Sphere 5.3 - the extract “from the Sage” revealed that LOVE has a very special place in my life. It told me I will “live many lifetimes in this life, that I might think there is something wrong with me. But there isn’t; I am drawn to the next love like a bee to a new flower, having my heart ripped open again and again, until I shine resplended.”
And that is exactly what shifted me from my depression and burnout.
Not meeting someone just yet, but the realization that there isn’t just one person for me out there. And “The Other Half” I had was the one for who I was back then.
But the page turned, and a new chapter is beginning, and right now it is blank, but someone will step in, and there will be a story.
And perhaps when that story ends, a new blank chapter will begin.
There is nothing wrong with me; in fact, this is what is aligned with my design and my purpose in life. To love and be loved and experience it again, and again, and again, until it transcends all…
The moment I realized this, my burnout started shifting. The creative juices started flowing, I started writing, I started expanding my life, I started letting people in, I started being visible to those around me. Open to the new. Open and ready to love again. It feels natural, and it feels correct.
But there is a big lesson I am carrying forward, and this is a lesson of self-empowerment in the domain of love. I am finally raising the bar for myself, as there is something that shifted again. Nothing in my past is meeting these new requirements because I have grown and changed and am ready for something new, but a higher-caliber - to meet me where I am.
I never had to do it up until now. It is a funny thing about self-growth: it often goes unnoticed. The stories and the standards, what I am prepared to settle for, have shifted through these challenges. Maybe for some people they have always been where I am heading; this is fine. My story is not about them - it is about me and my unique life journey only.
My biggest realization is simply that I am old school. I am done carrying men emotionally or financially, no matter what circumstances are.
I am not a mother or a housemaid. I do not want a new family; I have a beautiful daughter, and that is all I need. She also needs me, my support and my love.
What I am really good at is being an incredible partner to a man who is emotionally mature, financially independent, generous, very caring, and providing for my needs to protect me from stress and let me BE.
Not DO. (Projectors thrive when they are simply BEING. It is the awareness thing. If you need your partner to DO things - choose any other type, possibly Generators.)
I know how to fully see, recognize, support, respect, adore, perhaps challenge and “probe” him a little, share a touch of madness, laugh our hearts out (and let him wipe the mascara from under my eyes after), taste incredible foods, watch breathtaking sunsets, be vulnerable, have deep conversations, hold hands and be fully dedicated to each other.
That I know how to BE, very well, and my magic Projector energy will be fully “available” to the right person.
But I am no longer being auditioned. I no longer need to prove myself. I know what I bring to the table, and I require the same level of openness and confidence.
I REQUIRE proper old-school courtship. Manners. High intellect. Not letting me pay for anything, ever. Not because I can’t or will not try, but because this is a role he takes pride in. Provider, treasurer, protector of peace (without being controlling, of course; those are different things). A man who cooks me amazing food and shares the love for incredible wines and good living.
A male friend of mine once said: “Focus on making the woman happy first - she will make you the luckiest man in the Universe.” They should teach that to boys at school.
I wrote this to honor my shift, but also to encourage you to lean into what has always been natural.
Even if others may think you are “going around the bend,” I urge you to DO MORE OF IT.
People who know me might roll their eyes, but I am leaning even more into my journey. With more strength and confidence, and more clarity about what I am looking for. I know there are needles in this haystack, and I am fully prepared to burn it right down to find my needle.
Or needles. I am not asking for a 30-year commitment; I want to live now and fully commit to each moment. One moment at a time. It is the only way - we never know how many summers we have left.
(And if those are moments spent with the same person, that is what makes it even more spectacular. I know this from lived experience.)
So I want to encourage you to review where you are now, your stances, what you are settling for, and what you feel you deserve. Know what YOU bring to the table. Write it down, make it your manifesto.
If this scares someone off, they are not of your caliber. Let them get scared and disappear; they are just clutter on our path. Don’t settle for less, and if that leaves you alone, enjoy it, live fully - just keep your heart open; you never know what you can bump into and when.
And when you do, you know what standard to evaluate it against. You know what you deserve. And someday, there is a high chance of manifesting it. And more.
I think it’s rare to live with an open heart and here you are,
Living with one and sharing it with us. Thank you!